Despite a few decades of living in the tropical sun of the Hawaiian Islands, I don’t have much of a sun tan.

As it is with most people, whether they live in Minnesota, or Hawaii, I’m busy and most of that busy is busy indoors, hence, not much of a tan.

Not much of tan? How much is much? Face, arms, legs, and not much else. That’s more of a haole spotted owl than a guy with a good tan.

To get a good tan in Hawaii is the same as it is anywhere else in the world. Get in the sun. That takes time and effort.

We live only a few miles from the beach, but a round trip can be 30-minutes. Add to that the need for 30-minutes to an hour to get a decent tan, and multiply that times three or four times a week...

You get the idea, right? Is there a better way? Yes.

I’m the proud user of a local tanning salon; a frequenter of those light bulbed beds of bodily burn. 8 to 10 minutes is equal to an hour or two on the beach, not to mention the extra travel time.

The result? A nice, slow, even tan over all the body. And I mean all over the body.

Getting a very good artificial tan is simple, not terribly expensive, and can be attractive on the right body. I’m more of a Gabriel Iglesias’ skinny brother, Juan Fluffy, but decided that a full body tan would be a great treat anyway.

Apparently, there’s no extra charge to tan a few extra pounds.

I tried the sun tanning beds first. Think of the bed as a clamshell toaster. You lie down, pull down the top of the clam toaster, the lights come on, music plays, you wake up pink, red, bronze, or more tan-- depending on what you were before.

The problem with the tanning bed is odd pressure points on the skin which don’t tan evenly. I have a comical, somewhat round silver dollar-sized blank spot on the upper part of my bottom. It won’t tan because the cheeks of my bottom, when lying flat on the tanning bed, squish together.

Sorry. Apparently, there’s no tanning allowed in squished-together spots. When I stand up, the squish becomes like the silver dollar of tan lines. Round, expensive, not worthy of showing off, and no tan. Fortunately, it’s hidden in a place that I don’t show too often.

Then I  tried the standup tanning machine. Truly, this looks like a large toaster oven for adults. Walk in. Close the doors. Push the start button and wait eight minutes or so. Butter and jam is optional.

When you leave the standup tanning machine you have a nice all-over tan. Nothing good comes without some effort so there are a few rules to remember.

The first, is to have eyewear protection. The tanning salon provides goggles with a headband. That protects the eyes.

The second, is to have private parts protection. The tanning salon provides a recommendation. Cover private parts with something.

My first visit to the standup tanning machine was uneventful until I pushed the start button. Immediately, the eye wear protection goggles fell off my eyes to the floor below.

“My God, I’m going to be blind,” I thought to myself.

As I slowly reached down to retrieve the goggles, my private parts protection fell to the floor, too. They don’t make rubber bands like they used to.

“My God, I’m going to be sterile, or a leper... or worse,” I thought to myself.

Fortunately, the frying didn’t occur, at least right away. I picked up my two modes of protection, one private, one public, popped them into place (so to speak), and continued toasting.

In the end, it all ended with an improved tan and no eye damage. However, parts of me now glow in the dark.